Down again.......

Hahaz... Feeling down again... LoLz...

Depression is setting in again... wondering why....
Questioning my life... wondering why....
Doing my revision... wondering why....
Feeling sad... wondering why....

I'm ultra competitive.
I'm very competitive...
Is it because I cant stand people winning me?

No... I guess not...
Should be because I study so hard and I cant win myself...
I cant win myself... I cant win anybody...

Nothing to show... he's better then me at everything...
Everything that I thought I could be proud of...
Everything that I thought that I deserved...
Everything that I could tell people about...

I've given up a long time ago...
Resigned to suffering in silence...
I'll just look at you being lifted up in glory...
I'll bade you goodbye from below...
As you are swept high up by waves of praise and recognition...
I'll just close my eyes below, and drown...

You're not good you say,
Humbling yourself to be a mere shadow of what you are...
But my eyes can see...
The higher you go, the pressure just increases...

I cant do it... I never could
I chided myself for trying to compete with you...
Why on earth did I try to compete with you in the first place...
I should have known...
I would never have survived it...

I compete to win.
I compete for victory.
Life is not a game.
Life is a story.

As each chapter unfolds,
What can use to hold your head and lift up high,
Will be brought forward to the next chapter...
At the end of the story... How thick can your book get?

I give up. I give in. I wont compete, with you anymore. You win. I lose. I have always lost. I know. I lose...

sigh...

Brother, Friend, Comforter, Role Model, Teacher... Enemy.

Call my blind, call me and idiot...
You will always be that to me...
In life, you will be my
brother
friend
comforter
role model
teacher
But in competition, I have made you my Enemy.

This enemy is not someone that I hold in resentment of.
This enemy is not someone that I long to destroy.
This enemy is not someone that I hate.
Love your enemy? Yes. I love him as a friend.
He is my friend, He is my enemy.

In fact, I wish I could be him...
When I pick up my remains and carry my broken pieces back to my Father...
I'll tell him that I tried to do something.
And I guess, I will still be second to him in eternity.... for eternity...

- Written by Kyo -
To him.